Hi! I'm Frances, I make comedy videos. Watch them. If you want. FREEEEEEDOM.

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ernestra:

Tumblr asked me for advice on how to make friends as a grown up… I’ve done what I can, I don’t know why you lot continue to trust me to give advice in any kind of coherent manner. 

Reblog this for messages, friendship and the american dream.

Subscribe for new videos every Monday!

I made this with glitter and glue. 

Just for you. 

passthecocaine:

the-hobbit-hair:


passthecocaine:


Excuse me but what is this doing in the potato tag
that does not look like a fucking potato to me


why were you in the potato tag




salomehere Your People. 

passthecocaine:

the-hobbit-hair:

passthecocaine:

Excuse me but what is this doing in the potato tag

that does not look like a fucking potato to me

why were you in the potato tag

image

salomehere Your People. 

Tumblr asked me for advice on how to make friends as a grown up… I’ve done what I can, I don’t know why you lot continue to trust me to give advice in any kind of coherent manner. 

Reblog this for messages, friendship and the american dream.

Subscribe for new videos every Monday!

92 Truths

I was tagged by whatislife34 and thingsthatlooklikeellie. And you are both BASTARDS because you know I can’t answer these things without heading off on a three paragraph tangent. Bastards. 
Ok, right, blah blah, rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people (HA, we’ll see…) to be tagged. You have to tag the person that tagged you.

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. last beverage? Water. I live a rock n roll lifestyle. Be jealous of me.

2. last phone call? Joy-Amy. Short answer. Yes. You go Glen Coco.  

3. last text message? From Draco “I’m setting off imminently, later than planned but there was, as there always is, slowness in the morningtimes.” DRACO’S COMING TO STAY AND I AM OVEREXCITED!

4. last song you listened to? I washed up while listening to Footloose. I told you I was cool. 

5. last night you cried? Erm, probably when I had jetlag, so about a month ago. There was an embarrassingly loud volume of sobbing. 

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated someone twice? Nope. You get one shot. ONE. 

7. been cheated on?Not as far as I know… but now I’m wondering… nah, don’t think so…

8. kissed someone and regretted it?  Yes. I blame my friends Vodka and Tequila for their appalling influence. 

9. lost someone special? Yes. We lost my Mum at The Lost Gardens of Heligan once. We ran her to ground in the teashop. Oh, hang on, do you mean dead? Then, also yes. 

10. been depressed? Yes, I managed to get myself into therapy just before it got really bad though, and my life has been immeasurably improved since.  SERIOUS ANSWER ALERT LET’S TALK ABOUT POO!

11. been drunk and threw up? Or vomit. That’ll do. Yes. Yes I have. IDOLISE  ME FOR I AM QUEEN OF ALL THINGS. 

3 FAVORITE COLORS: 1.Green 2. Red 3. Blue (This was a fascinating question. Please now buy me things in these colours.)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15.made a new friend? Hells yeah! I have made some wonderful friends thanks in no small part to Knowing Smirk (MonthlycomedyimprovandsketchshowatTheFrog&FiddleCheltenham£5entry7.30foran8.00pmstartjustsayin) Although one of them tagged me in this nonsense so he may need to reconsider his position… Hmmmmmm thingsthatlooklikeellie hmmmmm?

16. fallen out of love? Yep. That’s a thing that happened. LET’S MOVE ON SHALL WE YES THANK YOU.

17. laughed until you cried? Oh my GOD so many times. Most recently because my Dad served my sister ice cream on a plate. You had to be there.

18. met someone who changed you? I’ve changed, but not because of a person. Because of Who I Am Inside. Urgh. That was a poncey answer. NEXT.

19. found out who your true friends are? Nope, we all just muddle along pretty well thank you kindly to you. 

20. found out someone was talking about you? I assume this means in a bad way? Nope. Again, we all just get on with our lives… although I expect people DO talk about me. In a  ”oh gosh what a fabulous person, look at that hair, wish I had hair like that, gosh are those pom poms on her slippers? She is COOL” kind of way.

21. kissed anyone on your FB friends list? Yep. Do you need a top 5 or? 

GENERAL:

22. how many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life? Almost all of them. There are a couple of people I don’t know, but they messaged me about improv things and then never got back to me. RUDE. That is not the Yes And attitude I expect my pretend friend.

23. Do you have an enemy? Have you got me confused with a superhero? Is it the tights? Dammit I knew I should have stuck with jeans. No I don’t have an ENEMY. 

24. Do you have any pets? No. Because I’m allergic to most of the things and fish are BORING.

25. do you want to change your name? No one can spell it. So. Maybe. Quick Lesson, girl version is Frances, boy version is Francis. E for hEr, I for hIs. K? K? Good.  

26. what did you do for your last birthday? I WENT TO WORK. (And I also went out for cocktails, dancing and burgers and my friend organised a private screening of the lego movie… so, it was pretty good really, despite the cocktail fallout on my new sofa.)

27. What time did you wake up today? 1.30am, 5.30am, 7.00am. It’s been DELIGHTFUL.

28. what were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Dexter and digesting a burrito.

 29. name something you CANNOT wait for? Tiny Bag hitting 500 subs. My original aim for this year was 300, which has already happened, thanks in no small part to Tumblr. So my stretch target is 500. I can’t wait, but also really enjoying the journey. SINCERITY NO RUN AWAY.

30. last time you saw your mom? Thursday. We laughed till we cried about the ice cream on a plate fiasco. You had to be there. 

31. one thing you wish you could change about your life? *closes eyes and rubs magic lamp* I wish I could give up work and do improv/youtube full time. WAIT this isn’t a magic lamp, why are you making me rub that?! SAM PEPPER GET THE FUCK OUT. 

32. what are you listening to right now? The washing machine, the seagulls and hoping that soon I’ll hear a knock at the door and Draco will be here. 

33. have you ever talked to a person named tom? Yes… one of my best friends is called Tom… are you stalking me?

34. what’s getting on your nerves right now? I’m sitting on my foot and getting pins and needles but I know when I move my foot it’ll hurt so I’m still sitting on it and I am a really boring person sometimes why are you still reading this. 

35. most visited website? YouTube. Of course. (Update, I moved my foot. I was right. It hurts.) 

36. blood type? Wow. This seems like the kind of thing a person of 32 should know… I’ll find out… 

37. nickname? DRACO’S HERE I WILL SAVE THIS AND COME BACK TO THIS OMG DRACO’S HERE! I’m back. It’s three days later. I’ve got a sore throat. What am I doing? Ah! Nickname. Ernie, Ern, Ernestra,Prong, Moz… blah blah blah you must know this by now.

38. relationship status? I’ve been single for about 6 months now and I’m very much enjoying it. Although I have recently been getting that familiar winter-time yearning for a boyfriend with a nice jumper to go for a walk with.  I AM A CLICHE I CARE NOT.

39. Zodiac sign? Taurus. Fun fact, the other two people in my office also have birthdays the same week as me. We’re all Taurus and stubborn as fuck. I don’t know how we get anything done really. 

40. pronouns? She/her. I don’t know what else to do with this question. I’m certainly not brave enough to attempt a joke. 

41. elementary? My dear Watson. 

42. High school? The grammar school. Oh yeah. I passed the 11+. Yeah. I can do verbal reasoning. Oh yeah.  It’s absolutely no use whatsoever in the real world. OH YEAH.  

43. college? I went to there. It was ok. Then I met Draco. That made it great. 

44. hair color? Brown underneath, blonde highlights, brown roots, grey behind the ears.

45. long or short? If you watched my videos you’d know all this without asking.

46. height? 5ft 5. Do you feel better informed now? I’m glad. Looking forward to the essay on The Height Of Frances (and how it effects the global economy).

47. Do you have a crush on someone? Nope. I’m not good at crushes. I’m also completely oblivious when people have crushes on me.  

48. What do you like about yourself? I am excellent at poaching eggs.

49. piercings? None, although I kind of want the top of my ear pierced, but not the lobes because the lobes are quite chubby. Do you guys think that would look weird?

50. tattoos? Nope. I can’t be trusted to stick to a decision. Honestly I can’t even decide if I want to splash out the extra 50p on mint syrup in my hot chocolate never mind massive amounts of cash on something I might change my mind about a week later.  

51. right or lefty? Righty. Boring isn’t it. 

52. first surgery? I had a lumpectomy about five years ago. Goodbye to YOU huge, worrying but entirely benign lump.  

53. first piercing? Haven’t we discussed this? I knew you weren’t listening.

54. first best friend? A girl called Isabel at primary school. She was great. We bonded over our hatred of British Bulldogs. The playground game. Not the animal.  

55. first sport you joined? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

56. first vacation? No idea. Probably Devon. First foreign holiday was France. There was a pool. I made a scrapbook… I’ve got it somewhere… Hmmm… might try and find that. 

57. first alcoholic drink? A glass of wine at Sunday lunch. I hated it. My parents could run classes in How To Put Your Thirteen Year Old Off Drinking.

58. first pair of trainers? Is this a thing I was supposed to remember? Shit. 

59. eating? Erm… I do eat. That’s a thing I do to remain alive… I’m not eating anything at the moment… I’m digesting a turkey sandwich… is that helpful? God you’re nosy. 

 60. drinking? Three days later and it’s still water. Great. I am looking so awesome cool. 

61. I’m about to? Register at the doctors over the road six months after moving to my new flat. I’m only registering now because I’ve got a sore throat that I think has the potential to kick in to tonsilitus…  

62. listening to? There’s a fly. It’s buzzing. And very distracting. I am doing IMPORTANT work here.  

63. waiting for? Improv Workshop tonight, ready to get my lols on. Ufff. I just said that didn’t I. I could delete it. Nah. Why bother. It’s happened now. 

64. want kids? I would like to have the small humans yes. Sometime in the next 8 years preferably. Let’s get them out before 40… 

65. get married? Yes. That’ll have to happen before the babies. I work with a lot of databases. WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME IT IS CONFUSING FOR ADMINISTRATORS.

66. career? YouTube… comedy… writing… Hey ho, it’s still a possibility I suppose. (Or I could just stay in events management… that’s not the worst I suppose…)

67. lips or eyes? Both equally fabulous and v important to the kissing. Step by step guide to kissy kissy: Look at the eyes…look at the lips… back to the eyes… and kiss.

68. hugs or kisses? Kisses. I love kisses. Although… actually… some people are inexcusably bad at kissing… and I’m too old now to be wasting time teaching them how to do it…

69. (hehe) shorter or taller? Taller please. (Is this now becoming a dating site questionnaire? Because I never get any hits on those because of my irritating answers…Shocked aren’tcha?)

70. older or younger? I’m really not bothered. Five years either way is fine by me. So if anyone knows any single guys between the ages of 26 and 37 then give me a shout. 

71. romantic or spontaneous? Spontaneous. Which is actually a romantic quality. So PPPPPPFFFFFT to you and your questions. 

72. nice arms? Uff. Yes please. 

73. sensitive or loud?Loud. I’ve dated quiet and sensitive and while it was very sweet, I really need someone who will push back a bit and give as good as they’ve got in the banter department.

74. hook-up or relationship? Relationship preferred, but needs must on occasion…

75. trouble maker or hesitant? Trouble maker I guess, although I really can’t stand pranks, so if you’re going to hide behind a door wearing a mask you better be prepared to be punched in the nuts. 

HAVE YOU EVER:

76. kissed a stranger? Yes. Oh vodka shots. You have a lot to answer for. 

77. drank hard liquor? *raises eyebrow and points and answer above*

78. lost glasses/contacts? I have 20/20 vision. I’ve lost more than my fair share of sunglasses though. 

79. sex on the first date? Nope. Can I get my halo back from the dry cleaners now? 

80. broken someones heart? Urgh. Yes.

81. Had your own heart broken? Urgh. Yes.

82. been arrested? No. I’m a good girl I am. 

83. turned someone down? Yep, that’s always a fun experience.

84. cried when someone died? Yes. I’m not a sociopath.

85. fallen for a friend? Yep, that’s always a fun experience.  

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. yourself? HELLS YEAH MOTHER FUCKERS!

87. miracles? Nope. 

88. love at first sight? No. Lust at first sight? Oh, yes, yes, yes, BOOMSHAKALALA.

89. heaven? I do believe that there’s something else. THESE QUESTIONS ARE TOO DEEP FOR SO LATE IN THIS EXCEPTIONALLY LONG TAG.

90. santa claus? Father Christmas do you mean? Hmmmm? Sorry I had to translate your query into Middle Class English. Me and Father Christmas go waaaay back. It’d be rude to deny his existence when he was such a huge part of my formative years. 

91. kiss on the first date? Sure. If I want to. And he wants to. And there’s a general air of kissing being on the cards. 

92. angels? No. And if I did believe in them I’d end up with one like Clarence, so best off out of it. 

THIS WAS TOO LONG. AND YES IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SHORTER IF I’D NOT RAMBLED ON AFTER EACH QUESTION AND JUST SAID YES OR NO BUT WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?!

I tag these people to waste their time in this manner: leedawidge (Hahahahahahah!), jennymaycroft, catsrants, lifeofjits, jandcforeverx and boring-talk.

My friends are better than your friends. #bestonepoundpresent #ihopesheexplainsthatoutift

My friends are better than your friends. #bestonepoundpresent #ihopesheexplainsthatoutift

ernestra:

Those of you who read my tags may already be aware that there was an incident involving an iPhone, a pavement and a bottle of wine… 

Reblog the crap out of this one friends, there’s a long way to go until I can afford to buy a new phone out of YouTube earnings… (Do they sell iPhones for $1.28?)

Still following rebloggers, y’all are making my dash very informative. I learnt lots of things about heart attacks last week. It was strangely comforting.

Subscribe to Tiny Bag, new video every Monday! 

HEY YOU! Yeah you, lying in bed on Sunday morning and pretending to the world at large you haven’t woken up yet cos otherwise you’ll have to go and be sociable or some nonsense. Yeah. YOU. Looking for a further procrastination idea? Watch this. It made my friend’s dad cry with laughter. I mean he’s an excellent audience anyway, but this was a particularly good reaction.